Inside the head of an introvert, Part 2 - It’s all about the poetry

    Before I go into the post today, I need to apologize to my readers. Last night when I posted I did not proof read my posting before publishing and as a result my readers had to endure some atrocious grammatical and spelling errors. It was rather lat and I was quite tired but that is no excuse not to proof my blogs before publishing them. I will do my best in the future to make sure and proof read my post before publishing them, so you, my readers, do not have to endure anymore such errors. Now on to this today's post. I told you to look forward to a follow up post to last night's blog….so here we go!

    Years ago I use to write poetry. I was pretty diligent about writing it until I began to crave more than just my poetry. I wanted to write more. Much, much more. The first two poems I ever wrote were called "Oh Turkey Leg" and "Spooky Sisters." I have no idea whatever became of the poems but I do remember they were funny. Can you imagine writing a poem about a turkey leg! Or how about writing about how spooky (and witchy) your sisters are! (Of course two of my sister were born at Halloween so technically that is where the idea came from.) I am sure that if I ever found them I would probably at the simplicity of life. To a fourth grader though it was my finest example of my writing…I even thought I could be the next Shel Silverstein or A.A. Milne, two of my favorite poets.

    Over the years my poetry has come to mean many different things to me. I can still look at each poem that I have written and tell you what prompted me to write that particular poem – I poured my emotions into these poems so each one is a part of me. As I grew as a person, an individual coming into their own, the emotions behind the poems took on additional meanings. I could see how they related to other parts of my life or even how they related to my life in present day. I realized that thanks to the emotion behind them these poems would carry me for years to come and I hope that someday they will touch others lives as they have touched mine.
    So as you can see the theme behind today's post is about my poetry, something very close to my heart. Poetry can invoke powerful emotions and those emotions can evoke powerful memories. There is real beauty and truth behind poetry; it tells a story and helps bring meaning where there was none.
    A few years ago I self published a poetry book called Of Memories and Imagination. In it I published some eighty-five poems, a few essays, and a short story. Once a week I would like to share with you some of the poetry I have written over the years. Tonight I plan to start with two poems that are all about me. Last night I talked about how I was an introvert, shy and reserved, and while these poems where written around sixteen or seventeen years ago, they still show the type of person I am.
    I believe that everyone has a core of who they are and as they grow and learn and evolve – that core is still there hidden in the background at times but it is there. I also believe that as you get older you come to realize and accept who you are as a person. There comes that point in every person's life that they must face this realization and when that happens they find themselves comfortable and happy and not caring about what other people think of them because they know who they are and if others can't see that then, well, it is nothing to worry about. That is where I am in my life or have been for the past few years – I have come to accept the type of person I am, the type of person I have always been and after reading these two poems, apparently I have know it for quite some time and just forgot it.
    The poems are called I AM and Who Am I? I hope that you enjoy them, in fact I hope you enjoy all of the poetry I share from here on out.
    I wish all a good day and night! It is now time for me to be off to bed.
    ~Natalie

I AM

I am a pair of jeans, relaxed

and comfortable.

I am a variety of ethnic foods from summers spent

in museum learning about different cultures.

I am a style called stream of conscious for

acting and speaking how I think.

I am the New World Symphony for the spirit,

turmoil, and lyrical flow in me.

I am a philodendron for my randomness and

seemingly lack of direction.

I am rosy pink for my soft gentle demeanor

and a hint of vibrance.
 

I am the wind, a free spirit always going

my own way.

 

Who Am I?

I run, I jump, I sing, I dance.

I am a human being

I am alive with a brain that works and

Legs and arms that move.

But the question is:

WHO AM I?

Does anyone ever know who they are?

I am a child.

Scared yet wondrous

A child who wants and gets

Attention and love

I am a teenager.

On the go and ready to grow up

But yet I am still a child

I need more time to grow

I am my mother

I have her temper and

Still I have her intelligence.

I am my father

I have his calmness and

I have his love for the outdoors

I am my sisters

I am all of them rolled into one

I am history

What I write, do or say

Will be the history of my family

I am my poetry

What I write is my feelings and emotions

Everything that comes out on the paper,

Is the person that I am.

But out of all, the most important is,

I AM MYSELF!

I am what I write and think and say!

I do what I think,

I don't go with the crowd

I am different and unique

I see things at my level not at others

I am all that I write and more

No one can say who they are unless they know themselves

I know that no words on paper can say who I am

But I do know that through my writings

I reveal very slowly the person who I am...

Because my writings are

WHO I AM................

I Am Super Mom!

    I am Super Mom! Okay not really – I am just a mom doing what needs to be done. I am the proud mother of two rambunctious boys and one very dramatic little girl. So what makes everyone of late tip their hat to me and have them saying I am super mom? Everything I do is something that needs doing and everything I don't still needs doing. To me, I am just like every other mom, who does what she can and gets her pay in hugs and kisses.
    As a parent, whether conscious or unconscious, you tailor your life around the needs of your family and most important the needs of your children. Just about four years ago my husband and I made a life changing decision brought about by a life changing event. The birth of our daughter was the life changing event and the life changing decision was for me to become a stay at home mom after her birth. So what's so big about that? Women leave the workforce all the time to stay at home with the kids but the difference is our decision was made by our daughter.
    I tip my hat to every mother, who at one time or another, has ever stayed at home with the kids. Staying at home is insane! I was positive, by six months in, I was going to lose my mind. I would look for ways of going back to work. It is crazy all the things you have to do when you become a stay at home mom. Back in the beginning I had more bad days then good days and now when I have a bad day it has just turned into being "Well it looks like we are going to have one of those days!" As time went on though – as more and more good days came – I knew we had made the right decision. So I bet you all are wondering, with how I feel about staying at home, how our daughter – a newborn at the time – made our decision for us. It is because our daughter was born with a rare genetic syndrome called Nager's Syndrome.
    What is Nager's Syndrome? I've never heard of it. That is the most common reaction I get, well next to "Aw what's wrong with her?" Keira, our daughter, has only a mild form of the syndrome, but it is severe enough where it requires her to have a trach (a breathing tube) and a g-tube (feeding tube). Nager's, in technical terms acrofacial dysostosis, is a rare genetic condition involving physical anomalies to the face and limbs. Keira has a recessed lower jaw along with fusion of the jaw (meaning her jaw will only open to a certain point), as well as hypoplasia of both radius bones. She also was born with an underdeveloped thumb on her left hand and the absence of a thumb on her right hand. She has had surgery to correct the left – they took off her underdeveloped thumb and turned her index finger into her thumb – and we did the same process to her right hand. The syndrome also causes temporary to permanent hearing loss because of the underdevelopment of both the outer and middle ear, which Keira has, causing her to have moderately severe bone conduction loss in both ears, requiring her to wear a bone conduction hearing aid. Other than a few physical differences, Keira is a normal, healthy little girl.
    Aw how sad! The poor little thing! Oh, I am so sorry dear! What? Sorry? Sorry for what? Poor little thing? My daughter is a "thing"? Okay so I just went on a tangent there – I am sure most of you thought some of that – those are normal reactions to hearing about my daughter and those are my normal reactions to what is said. Of course I don't say them out loud as most people would be taken aback, thinking me rude at their sympathy – which no offense don't need and don't want. How people react to my daughter doesn't bother me but when they feel sorry for her or me (for having "taken" on such a responsibility), that is where I have a problem. Keira is just as normal as the next kid – smart and mischievous to boot. As for me, there is no responsibility too great when it comes to your child.
    Now here is where people ask me how I do it. And by "it" I mean take on everything I do – which I will give you the short of it. "It" refers to taking care of the housework, the household finances, be a full time college student and a writer, taking care of three kids, one with special medical needs and that includes coordinating with doctors on her plan of treatment, oh and you can't forget taking care of the ever loving man by my side – my husband. This is where I am told I am super mom and my reply to that is – "No, I'm just a mom and a wife and how I do it is, I just do." So my house isn't always the cleanest – I will be the first to admit the dinner dishes aren't always done the night they are used – but the house does get cleaned, the laundry and dishes do get done, the kids are always fed and bathed, and I do manage to get time to myself to curl up with a book or watch a movie with my husband. I have come to learn and believe that when a woman leaves the workforce to become a stay at home mom she has only traded it for another full time job, one in which she gets paid with hugs and kisses.
    Since people think of me as super mom, I began to think of all the different jobs I do, jobs that people get paid for. It is not just me who does these jobs; it is every other mom as well. Here is a litany of jobs a mom does everyday –
    She is a cook, a baker, a candy maker, a maid, a laundress, a seamstress, a grocer, a stocker, a clerk, a secretary, an answering service, a messenger, a delivery driver, a driver training instructor, and a chauffeur. She is a mechanic, a repair woman, an inventor, a scientist, a researcher, a research assistant, a computer specialist, an electronic specialist, a teacher, a mathematician, a historian, a reading specialist, a librarian, an artist, a writer, and a reporter. She is a counselor, a speech pathologist, a linguistic expert, an interpreter, and an occupational therapist. She is a human relations specialist and coordinator, a schedule coordinator, an appointment setter, a marketing specialist, a behavioral therapist, a psychologist, and an early child care developmental specialist. She is a loan officer, a banker, an accountant, a payroll clerk, a police officer, a judge, a lawyer, and a juror. She is a nurse, a doctor, and a paramedic. She is an air traffic controller and a flight instructor. She is an image consultant, a fashion designer, a fashion coordinator, a hair dresser, a make-up artist, a costume designer, a film maker, a director, an actress, a music coordinator, an entertainment coordinator, and a photographer. She is an athletic director, an athletic coordinator, an athletic coach, and a personal trainer. She is a gardener and a lawn care specialist. She is a painter, a plumber, a window washer, and an interior designer. She is in waste disposal management, water works management, and she is an energy conservationist. She is the chief executive officer, the chief operating officer, the president, and she is a queen!
    All of these different jobs can be summed up with just one title – MOM! Every woman who is a mother does all of these and probably more. Oh we might complain from time to time, or get bogged down with one thing or another, but the thing about a mom is she keeps on going and doing because that is what a mom does. So when someone says I am super mom, I'm really not, I am just a mom doing what needs to be done. In my book any mom who can do all these jobs everyday; well she is a super mom!

Emotions

In my two previous post, I have brought my readers up to date with my life. Now it is time that I share my emotions with everyone. I don't know what to do anymore so I am going to write and hope that something good will come out of what I am sharing with the world on the web.....

Emotions

Every morning I wake up with a headache, my ears ringing. My emotions are so taut, I wonder if I will make it through the day without them breaking. Sleep feels nonexistent to me because even in sleep my dreams torture me of how my life is heading, but it is not me that I worry about, it is my children. Those three innocent kids that do what they are told to, who help clean the house, who will somehow think it is their fault because they did not do enough to help.

I have made mistakes in my life, decisions I wish I could go back and change but if I continuously look at life like that than I will never move forward. I am a firm believer that you can’t run and stick your head in the sand when a problem presents itself. You wait a bit, maybe avoid it for a while but it won’t go away, so you must use that time to figure out what went wrong and how you are going to handle the problem facing you before it gets to a point nothing short of a miracle will save you.

They say there is always help available you just have to know how to find it; they also say you have to ask. Well I have looked and I have asked but it only leaves us worse off than we were in the first place – it also doesn’t help when you get inconsistent answers to your plea for help. I have stopped asking for help because I can ask and ask for help until I am blue in the face and I get nowhere. I have stopped asking for help because my problems are my problems alone and I am tired of people talking about me and all the things I have done wrong. I have stopped asking for help because I am tired of getting lectured about what I have done wrong or people telling me what I should do. I have stopped asking for help because I am tired of people judging me. I have stopped asking for help because no one will help without telling me how bad of a person I am for the choices I made; choice I made thinking they were the correct ones to make. I have stopped asking for help because asking for help only breaks me faster.


Once I step out of my house, I put on a fake smile and happy face, I fight back the tears that I am feeling and I brave the people around me. Why should I tell them what I am going through? So I can get their sympathies. I had enough of that when my daughter was born – I just can’t take hearing “Oh I am so sorry for you!” Being sorry for me does me no good! Being sorry for me doesn’t help that I am losing my home! Being sorry for me doesn’t help the fact that I can’t afford to pay my bankruptcy payment! Being sorry for me doesn’t help the fact that I am going to have to look at my two boys and tell them we have lost our house because I couldn’t contribute to the finances because I had no one qualified to care for their sister! Being sorry for me doesn’t help the fact that I will have to tell them they won’t be able to attend their school next year! Being sorry for me doesn’t help me feel any better about the decisions I have made that put us here in the first place! I am not sorry for myself, I am angry with myself for not having the strength to say NO! or to take the money when I had it and put it back into savings! And who suffers for it all, my children, the very souls I was entrusted to take care of and look what I am doing to them.


My daughter has been through eight surgeries to correct the birth deformities she was born with. She is the bravest person I know and she is only four years old. She can be swollen and hurting from being in surgery yet if she sees someone else is hurt or crying, she will come hug them and pat them on the head, her way of telling them it will be okay. It is in those moments that I find myself pushing forward. It is the joy of seeing her stick her tongue out past her lips for the first time in her life that tells me all the pain I am feeling, all the hurt will eventually go away; eventually everything will be better.


People say I am a strong person but I’m not, I am only good at hiding behind a mask so people won’t see how everyday another little piece of me has been broken, shattered. I don’t know how many more times I can take seeing my son’s sad faces as I tell them I don’t have the money to give them for the snow cone they want at school or the fifty cents they want to get a treat at lunch. I don’t know how many more times I can take the betrayed look on my daughter’s face as I send her in for another surgery. I don’t know how much more I can see of my husband drained from working as much as he can so we can somehow make it out of the situation facing us and all I can do to help him is to clean the house and cook the dinners and take care of the kids.


I am tired of not being able to breathe because my emotions are stretched thin. I am tired of not being able to do more for my family. I am tired of always being in a stressful situation, no matter how I plan to avoid such situations. I am tired of my body being tight and hurting from the stress I face every day. I am tired of the torturous nightmares that fill my nights and the tiredness it brings to the next day. I am tired of being tired.


I have dreams like everyone else in this life but my dreams are not grand dreams, they are simple dreams. I dream of finishing my college education. I dream of staying in my house with its cracked foundation and myriad of other problems. I dream of being able to write a check out before my bills are due and not worry that I won’t have the money to cover it. I dream of being able to go to the store and pick up simple household items without worrying what I am taking away from by buying something as simple as toilet paper or paper towels. I dream that I will somehow crawl out of this hole a better, wiser person. I dream that today will be the day that I can look at my children and not see the hurt upon their faces because I told them no. I dream that the pain I feel will go away for good….


Dreams don’t pull you out of quicksand; especially quicksand you created for yourself. Many of us go through life with the best of intentions but those best of intentions are not always the best and it is only after the decision is made you realize it was the wrong one to choose. Would’ve, should’ve, could’ve does not get you through life, it only makes the situation you are in harder to face but in the end you must face it.


This writing will not get me anywhere. I am one of those unlucky souls that will never get the help I need and I will never see my dreams achieved. I will never be that lucky soul who wins or is given enough money to give them a fresh start; a chance to turn their life around. I am at the point that I am ready to give up but I can’t because I have three beautiful children depending on me, their mother.


So tomorrow and the day after and the day after that and so on, I will wake up with my headache, my ears ringing, tiredness filling me from the nightmares I have traversed through the night. I will wake up worried about the day and what it will bring. I will worry about seeing my children’s crushed faces and my husband drained from working ten hour or longer days. I will worry if this is the day that the fight I keep fighting will come to crushing defeat; a fight I don’t know when to get out of; a fight that will leave me and my family broken from…..And why do I do this every day, day after day? It is a simple answers – because I have to….

Stream of Consciousness

    In January of 2009, I sat one night thinking of things I could do help boost both my writing career and help with the finances of the house. I had heard of people making money off of blogging so I though, "Hey that is something I should check into." I did the research and found that it really wasn't all that great of a money maker but the idea of blogging stuck with me. After a few days of mulling the idea, I decided it was something I wanted to try. What could it hurt to try it?
    Somehow though I always fell short of writing my first blog out. I would write on it and then set it aside and then go back to it. Here it is May of 2010 and I still haven't finished the first blog I started. After a while I realized I was over thinking it. I would have all these great ideas go through my head, an interior monologue of sorts, that would be wonderful to blog about but I would never write them down because I would tell myself I needed to finish that first blog I started. Well as of yesterday morning I threw that idea out the window, decided I was going to start fresh and this time I would finish my first blog.
    One of the main reasons that blogging appealed to me was the fact that I am continuously writing in my head, hence the interior monologue comment above. When I was in high school we had to write a poem title "I AM" and in the poem we had to describe ourselves through 7 different items - a piece of clothing, type of food, style of writing, type of music, a plant, a color, and one of the four elements. My mother helped me to identify many of the items and it was thanks to her that I learned what Stream of Consciousness was. Stream of Consciousness is a style of writing but it is also defined as an interior monologue or the continuous unedited chronological flow of conscious experience through the mind. Well both of those describe me! Sometimes my head feels so full of thoughts that if I don't write them down I feel as if my head will explode!
    So what has changed that has lead me to this fresh start – oh so much has changed since the idea first appealed to me. Right now is a particularly tough time in my life. From day to day I do not know what will come next and I need an outlet before my mind gets the best of me! I have never been good about talking to people about my feelings or sharing my thoughts but if I was asked to write it down, well then that I could do. Writing comes naturally to me. So hold on tight as you are about to experience my emotional roller coaster and maybe I can get through everything intact and better than I was before.
Natalie