Inside the head of an introvert

    This morning I awoke to my house already in full swing; kids up playing, my husband watching television, coffee had been made. It was hot and muggy in the house but there was a breeze blowing gently through it helping, somewhat, to cool the house. For the past month our air conditioning had been broken and a broken air conditioning unit does not mix well with the Oklahoma heat. I set myself for another day of heat in the house. For myself, however uncomfortable, I knew I could bear the heat but I worried about the kids getting to hot, especially Keira.

    As I began my day, like just about every other day, I went in a poured myself a cup of coffee and then sat down at my computer to see what new emails I had. Most of it was junk as usual but one email halfway stood out to me. See when I get up in the morning, the first thing I should grab is my glasses but I don't so I am usually staring somewhat blurry eyed at my screen and still half asleep. Without my glasses I begin to read this email and from what I could read through my blurry eyes, I didn't like what I was reading. Someone had posted a comment about my blog. Now to most people this would be a great thing and at first I thought "Alright! Someone actually ready and commented on something I posted!" but it was not a great thing once I read the post.

    I am considered, as personality types go, a very expressed introvert. I don't mind this at all because I am comfortable with who I am. I have my close group of friends, for which I am grateful for, and I have those who are friends, not quite in my inner circle, but are none the less wonderful to have as friends. I have always been one of those people who enjoys a good book over going out with people, maybe that is why I love the solitude of writing. While I am considered an introvert I am not without the gift of gab should someone strike up a conversation with me. You may be asking what all of this has to do with that someone posted a comment on my blog….well let me get to the point, I actually took offense to the comment. It was exactly the type of thing I was not looking for when I started this blog.

    When I say I employ a close group of friends, these people know the real me, and even then there is only one person who truly understands me, my husband, and even he will tell you he doesn't always understand some of what I do or think…hell I don't even understand myself sometimes. I have the shoulders that I cry on, I have the persons I vent too, and I have the people I share my joy with, and to become one of those people it takes a very, very long time for me to get to know the person before they become someone I will bring into my close circle of friends and even then there is no guarantee that I will allow anyone the person in.

    To whomever comment on my blog, I say this….I know you intentions were good, a reach out to me as a friend. I am not asking for sympathy or pity or even friendship because that is not what this blog is about to me. When I started this blog I started it as a way of letting out everything that I bottle up in me….the good, the bad, the downright "what the hell was I thinking moments," and those times I need to find solace in the arms of my writing. This blog is about me letting go, saying what I need to say in the only way I know how to express myself and that is through writing. Writing has always been an outlet when my life has taken a twist, leaving me shattered and trying to find a way to pick myself up and move on. Writing is a way of organizing my thoughts, of picking through my brain to find that solution I so desperately need at whatever I am facing. And lastly, writing is a way I can show the world who I really am without having to overcome my shyness and the anxiety I feel when I am around people who are not close to me.

    As my day wore on today, I went back to the comment many, many times. I debated whether to answer the comment or just leave it be. In the end I deleted the comment but I did decide to blog about it because I felt that I needed to explain a little bit more about who I am. While in some of what I write, I may ask for pity or sympathy, it is not what I am looking for nor is it what I am really asking for – it is me expressing my thoughts and my feelings in the only way I know how to truly let my emotions out.

    Even though my life may have hit a rough patch, I know that somehow I will make it out of it, even if it is not the way I had hoped, and my family will be okay. So thank you to the anonymous commenter for your hand of friendship but I have those whom I need already around me. I may not see them often or talk with them often but they are there for me, just like I hope they know I am there for them.

    It is getting late now, my eyes are starting to droop as I type the last of this and my mind is calling for bed. At least tonight will be a cool night in the house, the first night in a while. As I said earlier Oklahoma heat and a broken air conditioner does not mix well. We broke down an found someone who could come and fix it today, fortunately it was at a very reasonable rate compared to many others and they went above and beyond what we had expected them to do. It is people like that I enjoy meeting in this world even if it is only for a short time, I know I will always remember them.

    Tomorrow look for a couple of poems I have written as a follow up to this post. Inside the head of an introvert can be very interesting at times.

    Good Night All!

    ~Natalie